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The 21 questions game: what to ask someone you like

The 21 questions game has one rule: one person asks twenty-one questions and the other has to answer all of them honestly, then you swap. It is usually played early, by two people who like each other and want an excuse to find out more, and it works because the number makes it a game. Nobody is being nosy. They are on question nine.

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Twenty-one is more than it sounds, and the common mistake is to burn the first ten on favourite colours. The questions that make the game worth playing are the ones in the middle: specific enough to need a real answer, and light enough to give one to someone you met recently.

There are four complete sets here, each twenty-one long, so you can pick the one that fits where you are. Take them in order or do not. The only thing that spoils the game is skipping the answers you would rather not give.

For someone you have just started talking to

Friendly, specific and safe to ask almost anyone. The last one is the only one that shows your hand.

  1. 1What is something you could talk about for an hour without getting bored?
  2. 2What is the best thing that has happened to you this month?
  3. 3What kind of person were you at school?
  4. 4What is a place you would go back to tomorrow?
  5. 5What do your friends come to you for?
  6. 6What is a film you think everyone should see once?
  7. 7What is something you are better at than most people you know?
  8. 8What does a perfect day off look like?
  9. 9What is the most spontaneous thing you have done?
  10. 10What is a small thing that makes you unreasonably happy?
  11. 11What were you obsessed with at fourteen?
  12. 12Who is the funniest person you know?
  13. 13What is something you want to try and have not yet?
  14. 14What is your idea of a terrible night out?
  15. 15What do you wish you were braver about?
  16. 16What is the nicest thing a stranger has done for you?
  17. 17What is something you are quietly competitive about?
  18. 18What is your comfort food when everything has gone wrong?
  19. 19What do you notice first about people?
  20. 20What is a compliment you remember from years ago?
  21. 21What made you want to talk to me?

For a new relationship

A few months in. These are the things worth knowing early, asked lightly enough to be a game.

  1. 1What did you think the first time you saw me?
  2. 2What is something about you that takes people a while to find out?
  3. 3What does a good relationship look like to you, day to day?
  4. 4What do you need a lot of: time alone, sleep, reassurance?
  5. 5How do you behave when you are stressed, so I can spot it?
  6. 6What is the best relationship you have seen up close, and what made it work?
  7. 7What is a deal-breaker you learned the hard way?
  8. 8What is something small that makes you feel cared for?
  9. 9How do you like to spend a weekend, left to yourself?
  10. 10What is your family like, in three words?
  11. 11What are you working towards at the moment?
  12. 12What are you sensitive about that I should know?
  13. 13How do you prefer to sort out a disagreement?
  14. 14What is the most important thing a previous relationship taught you?
  15. 15What do you want more of in your life right now?
  16. 16What is your relationship with money like?
  17. 17What is a tradition you would want to keep from how you grew up?
  18. 18What is something you would like us to do together soon?
  19. 19What makes you feel properly relaxed?
  20. 20What is a question you were hoping I would ask?
  21. 21What do you like about us so far?

To play over text

Short enough to answer in a line. Send one at a time and wait for the reply.

  1. 1What are you doing right now, in exact detail?
  2. 2What is the last thing you laughed at?
  3. 3What is on your mind tonight?
  4. 4What three things are within reach of you?
  5. 5What was the best part of today?
  6. 6What would you be doing tomorrow if you had no plans at all?
  7. 7What is the last thing you took a photo of?
  8. 8What is your favourite song this week?
  9. 9What are you looking forward to this week?
  10. 10What is the most recent thing you bought and regretted?
  11. 11Which emoji do you overuse?
  12. 12What is a show you would rewatch from the start?
  13. 13What is the worst advice you have ever been given?
  14. 14What is something you can do that surprises people?
  15. 15What would you name a boat?
  16. 16What did you have for breakfast, and was it a good decision?
  17. 17What is a word you always spell wrong?
  18. 18What tab have you had open for weeks?
  19. 19Where would you teleport to for the next hour?
  20. 20What is a text you are glad you never sent?
  21. 21What should I ask you next time?

For couples who think they already know

The game still works after years, as long as the questions are about what has changed.

  1. 1What do you think differently about now than when we met?
  2. 2What is a memory of us you think about more than I would guess?
  3. 3What do you do now that you learned from me?
  4. 4What question do you wish I would stop asking?
  5. 5What part of your day do I know least about?
  6. 6What is a small ambition you have never mentioned?
  7. 7What do you miss about our first year?
  8. 8What is better now than it was in our first year?
  9. 9What would you like us to be known for among our friends?
  10. 10What is something I get wrong about your job?
  11. 11What is a place you have never taken me that matters to you?
  12. 12What is the kindest thing I have done that I probably do not remember?
  13. 13What do you think I would be doing if we had never met?
  14. 14What do you think you would be doing?
  15. 15What is a risk you would take if you knew I was behind you?
  16. 16What is something you find harder than you let on?
  17. 17What would you like to be better at, as a partner?
  18. 18What is a thing we stopped doing that you would like back?
  19. 19What is a story about you that you have never told me?
  20. 20What are you most looking forward to in the next year?
  21. 21What would you ask me if you knew I would answer honestly?

Keep asking without having to remember

The hard part of this is not the questions, it is the habit. Most couples read a list like this, have one good conversation, and never open it again. HeartTap exists mainly to remove that failure: it sends one question at a time to both of you, and hides each answer until you have both written yours, so neither of you drifts toward agreeing with the other.

If you would rather not choose, the couple question generator picks one at random from every set on this site.

Related question sets

Getting to know you questions for a new relationship

Fifty questions for the first few months, including the compatibility ones worth asking early.

Questions to ask your crush

Fifty questions for someone you like and have not told, including ones that work over text.

All question sets

Frequently asked questions

How do you play the 21 questions game?

One person asks twenty-one questions and the other answers every one honestly. Then you swap. You can also alternate, a question each, which keeps it from feeling like an interview. The only real rule is that a question cannot be skipped, though it is kinder to allow one pass each.

What are good questions for the 21 questions game?

Ones that need a sentence in reply, and that you would be happy to answer yourself. Favourite colour wastes a turn. "What is something you could talk about for an hour" does not. Mix light ones with a few that ask for a little more, and save the most personal for the last five.

Can you play 21 questions over text?

Yes, and that is where it is played most. Send one question at a time and wait for the answer before the next. Short, specific questions work best, since anything that needs a long answer is tiring to type. The third set on this page is written for it.

Is 21 questions only for people who have just met?

No. It is best known as a getting-to-know-you game, but it works at any stage if the questions fit. The fourth set here is for couples who have been together a while, where the game is finding the things you have each stopped asking about.

One question a day, answered together

HeartTap delivers a question at a time from a library of over 2000, and keeps both answers hidden until you have each written yours. Free on iPhone and Android.

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