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This or that questions for couples

This or that is the fastest game there is: two options, pick one, no explaining. Its speed is the point. A question you answer in under a second gets your actual preference, before the part of you that wants to sound reasonable has had time to intervene.

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It is a different game from would you rather. Would you rather asks you to give something up, and the answer comes with an argument. This or that is a reflex. Coffee or tea, mountains or sea, and on to the next one. The information is in the pattern across twenty answers, not in any single one.

The best way to play as a couple is to guess first. Before your partner answers, say which one you think they will pick. Most people are confident, and wrong surprisingly often, including about someone they have lived with for years.

Quick-fire warm-up

No thinking allowed. If either of you hesitates for more than a second, the other one chooses for them.

  1. 1Coffee or tea?
  2. 2Morning or night?
  3. 3Sweet or savoury?
  4. 4Beach or mountains?
  5. 5City or countryside?
  6. 6Summer or winter?
  7. 7Cats or dogs?
  8. 8Book or film?
  9. 9Shower or bath?
  10. 10Window seat or aisle?
  11. 11Phone call or text?
  12. 12Plan or improvise?

Food and going out

Useful as well as quick. This is most of what you need to know to choose a restaurant without a negotiation.

  1. 1Cook at home or order in?
  2. 2Breakfast out or dinner out?
  3. 3Pizza or pasta?
  4. 4Starter or dessert?
  5. 5The usual place or somewhere new?
  6. 6Share plates or order your own?
  7. 7Cinema or sofa?
  8. 8Big party or small dinner?
  9. 9Stay late or leave early?
  10. 10Wine or cocktails?
  11. 11Picnic or restaurant?
  12. 12Spicy or mild?

At home

The domestic ones. Several of these are standing disagreements in most households, so expect opinions.

  1. 1Tidy as you go or one big clean?
  2. 2Heating on or another jumper?
  3. 3Big light or lamps?
  4. 4Bed made or bed left?
  5. 5Window open or shut at night?
  6. 6Music on or silence?
  7. 7Up with the alarm or snooze?
  8. 8Sofa or bed for a film?
  9. 9Plants everywhere or none?
  10. 10Bare surfaces or full of things?
  11. 11Dishes straight away or in the morning?
  12. 12Left side of the bed or right?

The two of us

The same game, pointed at the relationship. Guess each other’s answers before you give your own.

  1. 1Hold hands or arm around?
  2. 2Say it or show it?
  3. 3One big gesture or small and often?
  4. 4Surprise me or plan it together?
  5. 5Talk it out now or sleep on it?
  6. 6Night in or night out?
  7. 7A weekend away or a week at home?
  8. 8Do everything together or keep separate hobbies?
  9. 9Good morning text or goodnight call?
  10. 10Long hug or quick kiss?
  11. 11A present or a handwritten note?
  12. 12A photo of us or a photo of you?

How you want to live

Slower. These are still one-word answers, but each is worth a follow-up afterwards.

  1. 1Save or spend?
  2. 2Own or rent?
  3. 3Stay put or move around?
  4. 4Garden or balcony?
  5. 5Career first or time first?
  6. 6Near family or far enough away?
  7. 7Busy calendar or empty one?
  8. 8One big holiday or lots of small trips?
  9. 9Lots of friends or a few close ones?
  10. 10Retire early or work you love for longer?
  11. 11Routine or variety?
  12. 12Settled or restless?

Keep asking without having to remember

The hard part of this is not the questions, it is the habit. Most couples read a list like this, have one good conversation, and never open it again. HeartTap exists mainly to remove that failure: it sends one question at a time to both of you, and hides each answer until you have both written yours, so neither of you drifts toward agreeing with the other.

If you would rather not choose, the couple question generator picks one at random from every set on this site.

Related question sets

Would you rather questions for couples

Sixty forced choices, from silly to genuinely revealing about what someone values.

Funny questions to ask your partner

Fifty questions with no agenda beyond making each other laugh, plus a how-well-do-you-know-me round.

All question sets

Frequently asked questions

How do you play this or that as a couple?

Take turns reading a pair, and both answer every one. For the better version, each guess the other person’s answer before they give it and keep score. No explanations during the round, because the game works by being fast.

What is the difference between this or that and would you rather?

Speed and stakes. This or that is two words and a reflex, and it maps preferences. Would you rather sets up a dilemma where either choice costs something, and it invites an argument. Use this or that to warm up and would you rather when you want a conversation.

Are this or that questions good for new couples?

Very. They are low risk, quick, and reveal a great deal about daily compatibility: sleep, food, tidiness, how sociable someone is. The section on how you want to live is worth doing early and lightly, before either of you has much invested in the answers matching.

What if we disagree on most of them?

Then you have learned where the negotiations are. Disagreeing about heating or bedtimes is ordinary and mostly a matter of logistics. Pay more attention to the last section, where the differences are about the shape of a life and are harder to split down the middle.

One question a day, answered together

HeartTap delivers a question at a time from a library of over 2000, and keeps both answers hidden until you have each written yours. Free on iPhone and Android.

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